Note to self:
Mean is never the way to go.
Don’t burn bridges.
Remember Matthew 18:21-22 (If you’re reading this, and don’t know that Bible verse, it’s when someone asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone and Jesus says, “seventy times seven.” Basically saying always forgive.
With all that being said, just because I forgive, doesn’t mean I should go back to everything being all hunky-dory. Learn from what happened, Earnestine!
I hate you, but I’m not in hate with you
I just want to forgive, forget and try again. Earnestine, Earnestine, Earnestine… why are you even contemplating those actions? Do you not remember what happened last time?! Ugh. I need like an reprogramming of the guys I’m interested in. A complete hard drive wipe and reprogramming.
I know I can do better. I think I can do better, right?
ho hum…
I feel a little sad. I don’t know why I let this guy get to me. One of these days (soon I hope) I’ll will stop caring about him, anything he does or the people around him do.
What A Trip
Most of the time, I really don’t give an fuck what people think/do. People’s rude and negative behavior really doesn’t bother me because that’s just how they are and more than likely, they’re not purposefully trying to be mean. Every so often though, I like to reassess situations and usually end up angry, haha. (This is why I need to go back to not caring!) I came to LA for a mini vacation and to see a show. I was supposed to stay with a friend from college, but ended only staying one night. It was SO COMPLICATED! Of course there’s three sides of every story, but my understanding and everyone I explained it to’s understanding was that, I really wasn’t wanted and my friend’s just an unorganized jerk. After an emotional (I really tried not to be and I hate it when I am) discussion he said he wasn’t trying to be mean… but still. Even if the intent wasn’t there, that’s how I felt and I’m afraid it just gonna happen again. I know he’s not doing it on purpose. I’ll be okay.
And oh my goodness, that was not the only thing that happened! ::sigh:: I like to compare all my relationships to an eternal road trip. And this particular one made and unscheduled gas stop as it continues around the roundabout. I really need to break out the map and figure out where we’re going because I’m getting dizzy.
Clueless
I think I developed a crush on this guy because my friends liked him. I never had any strong feelings for him, but my friends were like, “he’s so nice! Go for it!” I felt I had nothing to loose, but now I feel kinda bad because he showed no real interest in me. Oh well. I’m over it, mainly because I never really was “into it.” (Plus his friend is more interesting.) But I still feel like Tai from Clueless because I want to know what’s wrong with me? “It’s my hips isn’t it?!”
poem
I wrote this a couple of months ago, but (unfortunately) it still rings true.
We care two different ways
We have two different lives
Even when connected, they can’t equally divide
My wint’ry air needs warmth
The touch of your blazing sun
I ask for some fervor
And I am given none.
My Northern Lights will shine
Remind you that I’m here
But only winds will come
To what I hold so dear.
bitch, bitch, bitch…
Why, oh why, do I do the things I do? Every time I talk to this guy I’m usually mad at something he did[n't do]. Somehow it always comes back to me being the mean one. Not sure how he can do this, but whatever. I don’t know what to think of the whole situation. Quite frankly, I think it’s complete bullshit. “I always forget to return phone calls.” Malarky! That should be just the beginning of a sentence. The rest should be “…except from the girl I like.” I’m not gonna fall for it. “I don’t like parties…” Well, suggest something else! I don’t want to keep doing whatever “this” is anymore. I want to trust/believe you, but I can’t. Not blindly. Do something that makes me believe you. Ugh.
And that other motherfucker… I’m so mad at him. He’s just a complete asshole and I just don’t want to talk to him ever again. He fucking just threw it in my face which was really hurtful. It’ll be easy to forget him. I don’t even remember what he looks like, haha. Definitely going on the silent ringtone (even though I said he wasn’t before.)
I guess this is all my fault/God punishing me for breaking my “no men” Lent promise (or whatever it’s called.) Sorry. I’m a bad Christian. 
Puma Concolor
What’s a cougar’s natural enemy?
A mirror?
Cancelled botox appointment?
???
::sigh:: I’m just gonna back off.
Lent
For Lent, I’m giving up men and facebook.com. When I say men, I mean I’m not going to do flirting or anything past that. I don’t think it’s that big a deal. It’s only 40 days and I can focus on other things. The only thing that I think I might do is forget, but I’ll try to remember.
Shouldn’t I be out having sex now or something to get it all outta my system? ::sigh:: But it’s 9PM now. Who am I gonna call in 3 hours? I really should have thought this out!
That’s Hot
The other day I was talking to a guy friend on my phone, and he mentioned he was in bed or something. I was so tempted to be like, “ohh… what are you wearing?” or something like that, but I remembered I supposed to act like a “lady” now. Too many guys have commented on my language (in a bad way.) I feel like guys don’t want to take me seriously or are even offended when I speak like that or say guy-type things. I don’t know… I think it’s time for me to change for a while and see what comes of that.
On the otherhand, I don’t feel I should change myself to be acceptable to some people. Why should I censor myself? I don’t think my language is that bad anyway. Hmm… I’ll try to keep this up for a few more weeks.
